“At a young age I had serious issues with my anger. Feeling like the world was against me. People not understanding why I was so angry. I tried so hard to fight it and hold it in but this would just lead to a bigger blow out or just me hating myself.
I was always told I just “wear my heart on my sleeve”. I care too much or try too hard. This seemed to be a good excuse for me to pretend I was ok. It also let me take advantage of my anger.
At the age of 12 I lost a very close family member. She was 14. This was the start of a huge fall. I had lost all control. I felt numb for years after this. The only feeling I had was anger. Getting myself into fights or arguments with anyone just to try feel.
Being young and not understanding that my anger was causing everyone else trouble around me. Hurting people that would try to help.
Not knowing how to stop it, I finally asked for help within school. I was sent to anger management out with the school. This just made me feel even more alienated, getting took from school on a Wednesday afternoon with all my friends laughing at me wondering why I was being took away from class every week.
Mental health wasn’t a big topic when I was at school. I was just a testosterone filled waster teenager.
“I would never be anything”
“Wasting my life”
“Embarrassing my parents”
“In with the wrong crowd”
These are quotes from teachers and family. People that are supposed to guide you onto bigger and better things and teach you how to be successful in life. They just did not understand mental health issues and neither did I.
I lost many friends and struggled to make friends because of my anger. How I could explode within a second of one thing being said that I didn’t agree with. There was no time to process was just instant anger and the time to calm down took hours/days. People especially teenagers aren’t patient enough to understand the way i could be.
My only outlet was football. I would try channel my rage into it which helped massively for me. I would forget everything for 90 minutes but after this it would all come flooding back, Anger, jealousy of “normal people”, tears, fighting with my parents. Not knowing when i would feel normal again. The fear of doing something that would lead me to seriously hurting myself or others I loved.
This is why the C9 foundation is so important to me. The good work Colin and the guys do to raise awareness is different class. All of they’re own back. Working full time jobs, running football teams and easing awareness all at once. No words can explain how excellent that is.
At 16 I finally met my girlfriend who I am still with to this day. She is the one who finally understood me. Seen that I wasn’t just an angry boy that was going nowhere. She took the time a patience to be there for me when I had lost control. Taught me how to suppress my anger of channel it into the right places.
All everyone needs is that one person that understands the way you are and knows how to get the best out of you. Take away your demons and finally release the person you really are.
I hurt a lot of people in the past. Mostly my parents. Disappointing them time and time again. Being called into school to be told I was suspended again. I had shouted and swore at a teacher. Got involved with people getting bullied and fighting the bully. “Acting up in class” or just not coming into class.
Or being contacted by the police to be told I had been fighting or vandalising property or caught drunk.
I had been labelled a drop out of society. I would never amount to anything in my life.
But I was just simply misunderstood and still have to this day anger issues, which I’ve learned techniques to calm and control.
To be able to share words to people that might have the same issue or similar is the least I can do. people especially at a younger age are at more risk as I know how hard it can be to control your anger and try not lead into serious depression or anxiety.”